| Jan. 31st, 2006 @ 08:21 am Boiling Point |
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Current Mood:  Not Exactly Sure Yet
Current Music: Everything Celtic
Well, yesterday quickly turned into a day of progressive not happiness after I wrote my LJ post. I went to my classes, jogged between to the dialogue (low turn out due to no PR on the part of TMN - oh well) and then up to a Stats study session with Rene in the library.
It was as I was leaving the library that the day caught up with me, seeing as I had been working solid from 0730 when I got up to stretch and eat before fencing to at that moment 2030 when I was heading back to my room to then sit down and really study stats in more detail. OF course, this meant that everything that's been bothering me caught up in one fell swoop so when I got down to the Coates area where there was a ledge and semi-privacy outdoors I pulled out my phone and called home.
Its been a little bit (week or so?) since I talked to my folks, and thankfully my mom answered first. I was just in my sort of panic/hate myself/verge of tears mode and she was able to let me just vent immediately and get the emotions mostly steamed off and reassure me that I was not a lousy person and life and I did't suck, and then handed me over to the father to discuss the more business related aspects.
Basically, the woe of the moment is grades and what I am continually feeling is a building wall between me, graduation, and any graduate work/job I could ever hope to accomplish. Part of what brought this up is that as I am applying to various summer programs and looking for internships of sorts (plus having to start seriously looking at graduate schools) I keep seeing the reccomended stats for waht an entering student looks like. 3.5-3.6 GPAs over all and in their majors; such and such GRE scores; such and such research experience; such and such type of person. I have a 3.0 in my major (barely) and a 3.3 overall GPA. And everytime I look at these scores I feel like I've messed up my college career beyond repair. I took heavy loads to get out of here in four years and I got solid B's the entire time. I don't think I'm a bad student - admittedly I could have done a lot better and I had a few semesters where I waffled and because of it didn't work as hard as I could have. But everyone can always do better, and I refuse to cheat or something to imporve my grade. BUt the overall impression I get of my school is that all that matters is getting that A, getting the 4.0 and doing all these things like a sorority or such. I keep myself plenty busy in my spare time with GCS, but its not one of the Greek orginazations or big competitive sports teams, so apparent'y even though I love it more than I can say it doesn't count for squat. But my dad was able to rationally talk to me about how I can approach personal essays in the applications and how I can account for my grades and such in a way that can downplay the points that might me weak on my application and play up my strengths. (Aka, I'm wonderful so if you don't want me there is something wrong with your brain - Daddy's are great. Mommy's too. Actually my parents in general 'dun gud.')
In either case, the other massive factor(S) in this equation is that I'm feeling the fact that I am not some socially elite child at a school with a rather large endowment and folks with the monies. Not everyone here is rich, and I do love Trinity, but sometimes its just the worst case of dumb little rich school I've ever come across. The Greek system especially, and the Greeks in the Psych department drive me the maddest. Part of it is that a lot of them are taking classes in the softer veins of the field - social, learning, babies, gaggaggag, etc. I'm really into the Clinical and Cognitive and Neuroscience fields, even if my grades have been 'mediocre.' in those (like all the rest of my grades). I'm busting my butt to try and get the best grades I can this semester, especially since my classes relate to my goals much more suscinctly than previous classes have. But the department is too overrun by women, women with biases for women, and a heavy Greek bias from a lot of these women. They love the Greeks, probably were Greeks themselves, and while I can appreciate supporting the groups you love you just cannot do it at the cost of the other students who have different goals or aspirations than bidding their time to get married with a filler degree; or joining groups who drink so much half the members aren't worth even talking to until halfway into the week. Admittedly, there are good Frats and Sororities, and I knwo a good number of people who are great and study hard and mean the best for everything. The problem is that the majority are not that way and I can only do so much to let it not color my impression of the groups as a whole.
Also, related to the push to graduate in four years, it drives me mad that I am clinging to my scholarships like a nutty woman while I know more than enough people who got scholarships, blew off their first year and lost them. Their parents just shrugged and went "Sure, we'll pay the full tuition of $30,000 a year, no worries." Wtf?! I mean, if I lost my scholarhip or even got the semester of probation my folks would have likley at least recommended that I do some serious thinking about a sabatical or whether I needed to rearrange my priorities. I know they wouldn't have pulled support but there is an understanding - and what I consider a reasonable one, that I will support myself at least partially and anything I can do to fill in the monetary side will be done. Aka - I work ten hours a week and anything on my credit card is paid by me (Its in my name, I pay the bill, not my folks) and I look for scholarships or good summer jobs or just any source that might be a place to help chip some of the final cost off. Thankfuly, I am not paying $30,000 a year, but as the costs go up and scholarships don't adjust to match, it gets a bit tighter each year. Hence me needing to graduate in four years, since a fifth would mean we pocket the entire cost. I just can't stand how some of the kids here are completely and utterly supported by their folks - correction, I can't stand the ones who take it for granted and don't even THINK about trying to help themselves. I know a lot of kids who's parents do pay for their creidt cards or such, but for many of them they then only use the card for things like food, etc. Its just maddening that I'm busting my butt and trying to get to where I can be independent financially and other kids are milking their folks.
Anyway, after all of the ranting and such to the parents and my tangent above ahd been purged, I did actually secure a spot in the study lounge to sit down and make flashcards of my stats equations and run some of the practice examples. I was pleasantly surprised when Tom was cute and came over after reading my away message of studying doom to distract me for ten minutes and be cuddly. He came back around midnight when he spotted that I was still up and in the study lounge. My sis had called at that point with a religious question after talking to a crazy Catholic guy she knew (fun convo...we concluded there are crazies in every religion and she shouldn't worry too much about what that little twat was saying about her sinning, and that it was okay and even encouraged for her to ask questions about her own beliefs and actively work out what she believed). So Tom came in to hear something along the lines of "A fog machine? You mean like a Michael Jackson Thriller production on the pulpit?" He gave me a look and waited for me to say goodnight to my sister before pestering me about the fact I told her "My Tom is here" and we debated possession and he was cuddly and tried to tickle me, nearly lost a finger but declared it was worth it for the squirming and faces I made, and then was just more cuddly and such and ruined what was still a decent sulk about life at that point. In either case, I went to bed (well, went to my room and discussed specific points of doctrine about Protestants v Catholics with the roomie for a while) and slept okay-ish until today.
Was able to chat with Face before coming up to work this morning, which was nice since he's been MIA between a new comp and that silly real job he insists on keeping. But it was a nice way to start the day, since I find conversing with him even over a Skype room to be enjoyable for the most part. Have to remember to IM Gavin for being literal about my 'Just ignore me' comment and confuse the boy since I am psychologically superior and a girl (Hehehe, I can just see the huffing comment I'm going to get for that one).
At least I'm feeling better enough to go and make challenging comments and joke about things again, I suppose its a mostly good sign. |
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But I am very appreciative. And work very hard to earn my education. I don't have a 4.0, though at one point I had a 4.12.... now it's a 3.86 and I still stress. But I'm a perfectionist and I'm in a significantly easier major.
Don't hate me... though I can always bribe you with chocolate to get on your good side.
::Cuddles much:: My folks are covering most of my costs with loans, so I am still rather dependent on them in all honesty. But see, you get it. And each family is going to work out a different set-up based on their abilities. Well, should - I think you also happened to have parents who taught you how to work hard, so you hardly fall anywhere near the group in my mind who I was a tad displeased with the other night.
It's harder for some to get an education than it is for others, I know.
ahh, Psych Department
Re: ahh, Psych Department
And the thing about the Rich Kids? Just ignore them and feel superior, morally and non-in-bred wise. I'm in a pretty good uni and it's populated mainly by Cambridge and Oxford rejects... who rely on their mommies and daddies for money, housing etcetera. Take the piss, feel better. You're makin' it on your own. They'll still be relying on their 'rents until they're ancient.